Dear blog, i hereby permit you to call me a true blue hypocrite. Well, i've never been a huge fan of people pouring out their grievances and airing their dirty laundry on the Web. but i am. telling you all my shit.
humans (and by this, i literally mean EVERYONE) are naturally judgemental. and that is the same reason why i have not told anyone the truth about the situation that I am in. i crave acceptance for my actions, noble or not. but every single time i try to spill a little bit of how i'm feeling to you, i am met with, sometimes, annoyance, sometimes, a pregnant pause, and sometimes you saying that I am interrogating you. YOU honestly think i enjoy doing all this? YOU think I am just doing this damn shit to get your attention? To ENSURE that you feel guilty or whatever? (thats if its applicable) I, for one, DEFINITELY do not enjoy any single part of it. Saying or asking helps to ease part of the pain within me, and I thought, YOU of all people, would understand. From now on, i will TRY to cease saying or asking, unless i really find out some shit that would make me explode and thus, have verbal diarrhoa. MAYBE, you think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. and maybe thats true. BUT to me, its EVERYTHING. I DUN turn on the waterworks or get emotional JUST TO GET UR ATTENTION. Its because i am truly overwhelmed. i HATE crying in public. I also hate it when someone does or says things just to get ppl's sympathy.
Hiding in my own shadow is the worst. Not being able to be truthful to anyone comes a close second. i would be lying to myself if I said that i'm not afraid of ppl judging me for my actions.
Because, i know for a fact, that ppl would. and its also inevitable.
I wonder why i constantly put her and ur feelings before mine. I cant seem to bring myself to hurt either of you. Domino effect. Hurting her would push me further away from you. Hurting you would mean losing you. What does this mean for me? My happiness and feelings are no longer a consideration to you. I should have realised that long time ago. When I asked you the other day whether you would be willing to commit, I AM 100% sure you knew what my question was pointing towards. funniest thing is, you said YES. maybe it was just to entertain me or so i would be a willing pawn in this game. AND YET, the other day, you answered me that you can see nothing changing in the near future. you said you were serious. but apparently not serious enough. SO WHAT IS IT? i'm tired of trying to read your mind or understand how you feel. how would that be possible? when what you say does not measure up?
for all the times at night when you're asleep, i was constantly up, crying and then barfing. I SWEAR i did not do it on purpose. Every single time I reach for the phone, wanting to call you, I mentally kick myself to stop. Firstly, you might not have answered, secondly, you might not know what to say or do, and thirdly, whats the point of doing it? to get ur sympathy? I do not want you to do it just because you know its what I want. YOU should do it because its what you want. i cant bear to end it, you know that very well, and that is also why i choose to still be tied and hung up on this string. and also the reason why i always put ur feelings before mine. even though i know it may not be reciprocated. to you, i may just be throwing tantrums, or just burdening you further with all the shit that i constantly unload onto you.
sometimes, i feel like the girl i used to be. willing and submissive. and its scaring me. knowing that i have no backbone makes me feel powerless. no matter how i resolve to change, i don't. and sometimes, i really wish you knew how i felt and you understood. because nobody else knows..
You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
Dr. Meredith Grey: Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.
